This morning, I was working on a grad paper in my zen corner coffee shop. When I'm doing grad work I usually listen to the "Your Favorite Coffeeshop" playlist. For whatever reason, when I'm writing on this blog I usually listen to K-Pop (which reminds me that I need to switch playlists quick - I strongly recommend Spotify's "Morning K-Pop!" playlist)
Anyway, while I was working this morning the song "Fall Apart Today" by Schuyler Fisk came on and the lyrics spoke straight to my heart.
In the past year, I've learned that part of my anxiety is a downward spiral when I need to keep reassuring myself that people (like my patient husband) still love me. I'll let the anxiety build until I hit a breaking point and need to ask him if we're okay. He'll tell me that we are and I'll feel better for a few hours until my brain starts asking if he loves me a little less because I had to ask him. So then the anxiety will build up until I have to ask him and the cycle starts over. Over and over and over.
Last year, we both read Turtles All the Way Down by John Green. If anxiety plays a role in your life, either your own or someone you care for, I definitely recommend reading this book. The protagonist has anxiety and OCD and her struggle to control her thoughts is something I could relate with. She falls into worry spirals that disrupt her life. This book gave us a great shorthand when we need to talk about anxiety. We now use the "turtle-scale" to describe how anxious we're feeling. One turtle or three turtles or five turtles or, when it's really bad, turtles all the way down. I've found that naming and talking about the turtles have stopped me from entering into some turtles all the way down spirals.
So that song. Lately, I have been so fragile and not at all easy to handle. My word for the year is "Steady" and I tied it to the affirmation "I bend. I don't break." This week I've come really close to my breaking point. After some sad news on Wednesday, I crawled into bed, covered my face, and cried from a place deep inside me. For a few moments, the world and my brain became very dark. I clung onto that affirmation and pulled myself back into reality. And then we watched Masked Singer because I needed to laugh about something really, really silly.
"I bend. I don't break." was developed while reflecting on a quote that I had printed and taped up in an old apartment: "Good timber does not grow with ease; the strong the wind, the stronger the trees." Carrot Quinn, author of Thru-Hiking Will Break Your Heart, said that when she's climbing a mountain she'll tell herself the struggle is a gift because the struggle makes her stronger.
That's the theme for this year:
Bending, not breaking.
Struggling to strength.
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